The Magic Relationship Ratio

After researching thousands of couples for decades, we’ve discovered a number of facts about successful relationships. But one important fact stands out among the rest:

The magic relationship ratio is 5:1.

Five to one of what?

Simply put, successful and lasting relationships must have a ratio of five positive interactions for every single negative interaction, and it is the difference between the “masters” and “disasters” of relationships.

In other words, disasters fall below 5:1, but masters keep their positive to negative ratio of interactions at 5:1 or above, and sometimes even as high as 20:1!

Fortunately, most positive interactions in relationships are small, everyday gestures of kindness, affection, and appreciation. If you’re worried that you’re not hitting 5:1, try creating some positive, daily rituals of connection in your relationship.

To learn more, click here to watch Dr. John Gottman explain the 5:1 ratio.

Need to connect more often?

3 Daily Rituals That Stop Spouses from Taking Each Other for Granted

Verily Magazine // October 11, 2017
Written by: Peter McFadden

When my wife and I got married, more than twelve years ago now, we were convinced that we would have a happy life together. Our courtship was exciting, and our wedding day was a dream. Little did we know that a switch flipped in both of our heads on the day we said “I do.” Indeed, the very next day—the first full day of our married life—my wife and I would begin taking each other for granted.

It’s only in looking back that I can understand what happened early in our marriage. At the time, the change was so gradual that we didn’t even notice it.

Read more

https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=MM%20136%20-%20Need%20to%20connect%20more%20often&utm_content=MM%20136%20-%20Need%20to%20connect%20more%20often+CID_b532bc148c827ce7c489ca3b44c804de&utm_source=Campaign%20Monitor&utm_term=Rituals%20of%20Connection

 

Build Love Maps

X does not mark the spot, but if you look closely, there are hidden treasures all over your partner’s Love Maps.

But what are they?

Love Maps contain hopes, dreams, desires, fears, turn-ons, turn-offs, preferences, and personal stories.

You and your partner each have them.

They are essential for knowing each other well, especially with things like:

What’s your partner’s favorite food?

Who does your partner hate having to deal with at work?

Who is their best friend?

What is their biggest life dream?

Those are the kinds of things you will discover when you explore each others Love Maps.

And the way to get there is to ask open-ended questions that have stories for answers.

Set aside time to update each other Love Maps regularly.

You will  have great conversations, maintain a strong connection, and continually learn more about each other.

Build Love Maps

Love is not enough

 

The opening chapter of Kedoshim contains two of the most powerful of all commands: to love your neighbour and to love the stranger. “Love your neighbour as yourself: I am the Lord” goes the first.

“When a stranger comes to live in your land, do not mistreat him,” goes the second, and continues, “Treat the stranger the way you treat your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were strangers in Egypt. I am the Lord your God (Lev. 19:33-34).[1]

The first is often called the “golden rule” and held to be universal to all cultures. This is a mistake. The golden rule is different. In its positive formulation it states, “Act toward others as you would wish them to act toward you,” or in its negative formulation, given by Hillel,

“What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour.” These rules are not about love. They are about justice, or more precisely, what evolutionary psychologists call reciprocal altruism. The Torah does not say, “Be nice or kind to your neighbour, because you would wish him to be nice or kind to you.” It says, “Love your neighbour.” That is something different and far stronger.

The second command is more radical still. Most people in most societies in most ages have feared, hated and often harmed the stranger. There is a word for this: xenophobia. How often have you heard the opposite word: xenophilia? My guess is, never. People don’t usually love strangers.

That is why, almost always when the Torah states this command – which it does, according to the sages, 36 times ­– it adds an explanation: “because you were strangers in Egypt.” I know of no other nation that was born as a nation in slavery and exile. We know what it feels like to be a vulnerable minority.

That is why love of the stranger is so central to Judaism and so marginal to most other systems of ethics.[2] But here too, the Torah does not use the word “justice.” There is a command of justice toward strangers, but that is a different law: “You shall not wrong a stranger or oppress him” (Ex. 22:20). Here the Torah speaks not of justice but of love.

https://mailchi.mp/rabbisacks/kedoshim-5778-243657?e=2296d767d0

Lessons from the longest study on human development

 

Helen PearsonatTED2017

For the past 70 years, scientists in Britain have been studying thousands of children through their lives to find out why some end up happy and healthy while others struggle.

It is the longest-running study of human development in the world, and it has produced some of the best-studied people on the planet while changing the way we live, learn and parent.

Reviewing this remarkable research, science journalist Helen Pearson shares some important findings and simple truths about life and good parenting.

ABOUT THE SPEAKER Helen Pearson · Science journalist, editor, author, recent book,

The Life Project,

tells the extraordinary story of the longest-running study of human development in the world.

Loneliness Linked To Major Setbacks

Lonely millennials are more likely to have mental health problems, be out of work and feel pessimistic about their ability to succeed in life than their peers who feel connected to others, regardless of gender or wealth, research has revealed.

Loneliness should be taken seriously as a potential marker for other problems, the team behind the study say, though it is not clear whether loneliness is behind the other problems or instead caused by them.

“If somebody discloses to their friends or family, or a GP, that they feel lonely a lot of the time, that could be a warning sign that they are struggling in other areas of life,” said Dr Timothy Matthews, co-author of the study from King’s College London.

Discussion about loneliness has mostly focused on the elderly, but a recent study by the Office for National Statistics found that young people aged 16-24 felt lonely more often than any other age group of adults.

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/apr/24/loneliness-linked-to-major-life-setbacks-for-millennials-study-says

Do Not Underestimate The Element Of Surprise

Small, everyday gestures of affection, understanding, and support are vital to successful relationships, and Small Things

Often is one of our most important pieces of advice for couples.

But sometimes, you need to break out of the everyday stuff and do something like:

Bring flowers home after work

Set up a surprise date night at your partners favorite restaurant

Write a love letter and mail it to your partner

Make secret travel plans for a weekend getaway

We know that stuff like that may not that easy with busy work schedules, tight budgets, or kids to take care of.

As always, keep doing small things often.

But if you occasionally use the element of surprise to be romantic, it will help your partner feel loved and cherished.

 

Intimate Relationships. Sometimes You Just Need To Take A Break

If you have been in a committed relationship for long enough, you know that fights are inevitable.

And that is okay. Every couple fights.

But sometimes those conflicts can be emotionally and physically draining.

Anger and other difficult emotions can push us into physiologically heightened states: heart racing, quick breathing, fight-or-flight mode…

…and that’s when it’s time to call a timeout.

Tell your partner that you need a break and walk away from the conflict.

Do something alone that distracts and soothes you for at least twenty minutes.

It does not matter what that is—taking a walk, reading a book or magazine—whatever helps to calm you down.

Taking a break is one of the best tricks that successful couples use to manage conflict in a healthy and productive way.

It allows you to de-escalate the conflict and prevent a regrettable incident.

Once you feel calm, you can approach your partner again and resume your discussion with a soft start-up.

Love Smarter by Learning When to Take a Break